May 20, 2019
Communicate with us by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org. We’ll be taking Memorial Day weekend off, so our next visit here with you will be on Monday June 3.
You’re absolutely right, this IS Week 399 of News For What’s Happenin’ Now, up-to-the-minute coverage of mostly inconsequential , but relatively amusing developments in the Human Comedy, and it’s brought to you this week in part by a generous grant from the So You Think You’re Funny Foundation. Their motto says it all: This better be good, buster.
Some grills now have wi-fi control. That’s right: you can now control your grill from afar. Think your brisket is cookin’ a little too fast? Just jump on your grill app and adjust the temp. Need to turn it on at just the right time so everything’s perfect for when you get home? Punch a few buttons. Done.
Amazing. At least I thought it was until the Mega Magma Kookin’ King Kompany asked me to write a news release for THEIR new grill, the XL 3000 Tasty Temp model. You can call it “the 3000” for short. It will debut soon in better retail outlets everywhere. Watch for it. Herewith, my blurb for them…
Now, it’s the Grill that tops ‘em all, the XL3000 Tasty Temp. This amazing new do-it-all cooking center is so all-inclusive you’ll never need another piece of cookware. Wi-Fi equipped, of course, so you can custom design those memorable meals from down the street, at your workplace or on vacation. You’ll never have to worry that the kids you’ve left home won’t eat right; the 3000 will make sure they do. And with the 3000’s cleverly concealed camera you’ll be able to watch every bite. Think the kids will just put duct tape over the camera lens? Let ’em try. First, our proprietary alarm system sounds, then powerful laser beams melt that duct tape right off. The 3000 doesen’t take any guff!
The XL 3000 Tasty Temp has a built-in fridge/freezer too, with remote-controlled tools that allow you to remove food from storage, transfer it up to the cooking surface (grill, pan-fry, roast, poach, broil; it’s all included!) and get that amazing meal underway.
Need seasoning? No problem! Just use your Season-Rite app to tell the 3000 what to use and when to use it. The special Remote Bot detaches itself (on your command) from the main unit, goes to your pantry or wherever seasoning is kept and brings it back to the main unit and applies it to your exact specifications. It’s that easy!
Concerned about those pesky kids getting into the liquor on the top shelf of the pantry? Relax. You’ve attached the 3000’s mini-sensors (six included, more available at a nominal charge) to each bottle . These incredible little devices sound off with a piercing 140-decibel Shriek Alarm when disturbed. No Jack Daniels for little Bobby!
When that tasty and terrific meal is ready, plates, utensils and napkins are dispensed by the 3000’s optional TableSet system. Your family sits down to a spectacular home-cooked meal that took no effort whatsoever on your part. What, no effort at all, you say? That’s right, because the 3000’s optional Serve-it-Up feature brings the food right to the GPS point you’ve selected, so you don’t have to lift a finger.
And when you’re kicking back with a full tummy and a smile on your face, the 3000’s Do-The-Dishes, Dear feature (optional) cleans your plates and utensils, puts ‘em away and takes out the garbage! Life doesen’t get much easier than that. The 3000’s cooking surfaces are self-cleaning, of course.
All that stress connected with meal preparation these days is a thing of the past! Just come home, hit the recliner, punch the app to order up some Jack Daniels (optional Hey,BarTender feature) and look forward to a great evening. You’ve got the Tasty Temp XL3000 by Mega Magma. Now, THAT’S home cookin.’
You’ve been cooking up answers in the weekly Trivia Slam. Let’s check the in-box…
The furniture store in a former bowling alley question was popular. Josie and Julie both gave us Ed Thompson’s Furniture City as the first occupant of the former 300 Bowl. Julie even remembered their ad slogan: “the furniture store with the sunken floor.” Julie recalled that Ed had been partners with Rene Wells until he decided to go out on his own.
Then came Mark, Roger and Eldon who correctly stated that Wolf Furniture was there, also, in the more recent past. Yes, indeed.
Re: the ‘other’ furniture question, Eldon said Rene Wells was the manager of Mullin Furniture on Main, just before going out on HIS own. John and Connie from Colorado agreed. John related a story (going back a few years) about talking with Ray Nuss the barber about most men not doing barbershop shaves anymore. Ray told John that Rene Wells still came into the shop for his daily shave. (Wonder what he did on Sundays.)
About the athlete who retired 49-0; yes, it was Rocky Marciano. Terry and Roger had it right.
In other biz, Eldon reminded us of the fast-approaching City Band Concert series at the courthouse square. We’ll look forward to seeing him play that shiny saxophone once again.
Two questions still around: Who was the Vice President who spent his time investigating defense contractors to make sure they were doing things right?
Also, name the singer-songwriter who complained in song about his chair. (Big hit.)
Here are three new ones: What store was in the 300 Bowl building just before Wolf?
Bob Dole once worked in a drugstore. What other Presidential hopeful actually worked as a pharmacist?
What car company boasted about its tough ‘dragon skin’ upholstery?
Well, have a safe and fun-filled Memorial Day weekend. Look for our next effort here on Monday June 3.
Send those emails to email@example.com.
Thanks for reading us once again!