November 12, 2018
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Welcome ladies and gentlemen, it’s the Grand Opening of Week #375 of Scintillating Sentences, a division of Punctuation Frustration, a weekly adventure down the lesser known highways and byways of our favorite language.
You’ve have read complaints from me before in this space about too much (WAY too much) choice in consumer goods these days, so much choice that your eyes glaze over and you walk out with nothing, except for necessities, of course, like toothpaste. And don’t get me started on THAT again.
Now it’s mens’ pants. Once upon a day you had your choice of pleated or unpleated slacks, and sometimes not even that. If you were lucky, the pants were offered in two different colors. Not anymore.
Now you have to choose from pleated on unpleated, cuffed or uncuffed, traditional fit, tailored fit, slim fit, relaxed fit or something called ‘modern fit.’ I’m guessing this must be a subset of ‘tailored,’ I don’t know.
And what type of waist would you like, sir? Traditional or ‘comfort waist’? Perhaps an elastic waist all the way around, not all that different from sweatpants waists, but a little classier looking.
What fabric does the gentleman prefer? Twill, brushed twill, wool, wool blend, nylon, polyester? You can even get work pants with Kevlar built in; that’s the stuff they make bullet-proof vests with. I don’t think these pants will stop a bullet, though, so don’t get too brave.
Oh, and the pockets! Surely you don’t want just the basic four; that’s so pedestrian. You need at least five, if you count one of those little-bitty things that used to be called ‘watch pockets’ as one of the five. Or you can have a little bitty pocket inside your big pocket. I have always found this type of pocket to just be an irritant. Stuff always seem to land in there that you want in your easily accessible big pocket. Now, how about cargo pockets? These used to be big clunky-looking deals with huge Velcro-closure flaps. Now you can get ‘em with a very discreet little zipper closure. You can get one on one side, one on both sides, and if you have a lot junk to carry, a few more up and down each leg. My wife once said, “you know what cargo pants are? A guy’s purse.” And that’s about right.
What about color? Forget basic khaki, olive, navy or black. How about ‘tobacco,’ ‘mushroom,’ ‘redwood’ or ‘wheat?’ Yes, gray and charcoal gray are still available, too, if you’re gonna be an old fuddy-duddy about it.
Back to pockets for a moment: you can even get RFID- proof pockets that supposedly protect your credit cards etc from people who have those ID-skimming devices. A thought: if you need that much protection, you should probably spring for the Kevlar-infused pants, too. Or maybe chain mail, just to be on the safe side.
Yes, friends, it’s a whole new day in pantsville. And that’s just dress pants. Some day we’ll take on jeans. I can hardly wait.
You took on the trivia this week and came up with some answers.
Terry said Denny Lutz was the friendly Allstate insurance man inside the GB Sears. Right! Josie got it as well. Terry said he visited with Denis daily while he (Terry) was working at Sears.
We heard from Dan Lutz (Denis’s son) of Dickinson, Texas who thanked us for remembering his Dad, who passed three years ago on Nov. 10. He also pointed out that his Dad had a lifelong battle trying to get people to spell his name correctly. It’s ‘Denis,’ not ‘Dennis.’ Good to have you with us, Dan!
The Native American and Australian Aborigine question has been put to rest! Josie got it: these two ethnic groups do not have a ‘baldness gene.’ That’s why you see so many pix of old chiefs with full heads of hair. I never thought about that. I learned it from a book about the legendary Chief Red Cloud.
Julie guessed ‘high foreheads and ‘thick dark hair.’ Mark went with dark hair, also. Tim guessed ‘no facial hair.’
Okay, three questions remain: the name of the goofy sheriff who used to appear on the same show as Snagglepuss the Lion; also the name brand food product that can be used as a good substitute for shave cream. (Hint: yellow in color, delicious on crackers.)
One more: the 1960 Number 1 hit that was thought too long for radio, so a shorter version was on the ‘B’ side of the record. The long version became the hit. (Hint: it was about a guy who fell for the wrong girl. That should narrow it down to about 5000 titles.)
Two new ones: Sears had your transportation needs covered in the ‘50s. What are we talking about?
When I got to GB in ’73, the zoo had two of these. What were they?
Send us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. We will duly note your input next week.
Have a pleasant week. And puh-leeze, bring back Fall. Three snowfalls already and it’s not even Thanksgiving yet? C’mon!
See you next Monday.