December 4, 2017
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Well, I think I’m past my Thanksgiving gravy hangover, so it’s time to clear my head, sharpen up the keyboard (my electronic pencil) and get to work on Week #330 of Random Thoughts From Roaming Minds, made possible in part this week by a generous grant from the I Have No Idea What He’s Talking About Foundation.
The other day my thoughts drifted to the subject of sleeping. And how there should be an Olympic level sleeping competition. It’s probably too late to get it into the Olympics coming up in February, but let’s consider it for next time.
Hear me out: just like mogul skiing, the pommel horse (bad memories of that from gym class), the discus throw and all the others, what I like to call ‘competitive sleeping’ is just as valid, because just like all those events named a moment ago, few people do it well. And it’s something your audience can relate to. I mean, how many people have tried the 90 meter ski jump and lived to tell about it? Few. But everyone has slept. Or tried to.
Plus, you could have competitors in all age groups, not just the young and buff, which should guarantee bigger TV ratings.
I can just imagine the play-by-play: “Bob Costas, back live at the Olympic Sleeping Stadium, where this time the sleep athletes will be competing in the adults 50 to 75 year-old division. The sensors are wired up to their slumbering bodies, so let’s check the on-going results on the big screen.”
The camera pans the dimly-lit room where a couple dozen bodies are laid out on various types of sleeping surfaces. Bob again: “Arnie Magnusson from Norway, a fifty-four year-old with no mortgage payments, happily married and father of two Doctors is sleeping like your proverbial log. His heart rate is a steady 53 and the sensors shows he’s in deep slumber. Of course, that Serta Perfect Sleeper mattress doesen’t hurt.”
The camera zooms in on Arnie and then pans to another man a few feet away. “And this is sleep athlete Groat Czerbyznk from the Eastern European Republic,” continues Bob. “He’s a fifty-one year-old livestock feed salesman, married three times with a daughter who was just arrested for shoplifting and a boss who doesen’t understand why he’s at the Olympics sleeping away. Groat told us he just had to follow his dream, no pun intended. His sensors indicate he’s in shallow sleep, snoring loudly and apparently has gas. But he can pick up extra points since he’s volunteered to sleep on a plain wooden plank surface. That COULD help him make up some lost ground.”
The camera moves to another athlete. Bob rolls on: “And this is French farmer Pierre DuPlesse competing in the CPAP division. You can see he has his CPAP gear on, due in no small part to his large neck and hefty frame, which tips the scales at 155 kilograms, that’s uh, something like 340 pounds in real American weight. Now, he’ll have a few points subtracted because of the CPAP advantage, but he’s sleeping soundly on a three-year old straw-filled mattress of his own design and thus could very well be in the medal round tomorrow.”
All this could make for great TV. And people would tune in daily to see how their favorites were doing and find new favorites as the competition moves forward.
Oh, by the way, any kid under the age of 21 would automatically have points subtracted from their final scores, due to unfair advantage. Have you ever been around someone that age? Gold, Silver and Bronze, just like that.
Okay, let’s see how you did with our trivia questions over the last two weeks…
Terry was first in with ‘animals’ as being the big attraction before floats became popular in the Macy’s parade. Yeah, they would gather animals from NYC area zoos and parade ‘em down Broadway. Sounds a little messy.
Steve got ‘plumber’ as the busiest occupation the day after Thanksgiving. ‘Tis true. Stats say that all that stuff we flushed down the disposal on T-Giving Day causes major plumbing problems. He noticed that trend from his days as a volunteer Optimist Christmas tree salesman next to Water’s True Value. Edith Ann guessed gall bladder surgeon. Good thinking, what with all that gall bladder taxing food we gobble on the big day.
Re: the early 20th century invention; Steve guessed ‘dry ice.’ No sorry, this is a mechanical contraption that is more popular than ever today.
I’ll re-state the question: what mechanical device was invented partially because the guy wanted to get his girlfriend’s ice cream to her before it melted. (Hint: the ice cream was on the other side of the lake.)
Also still active is the question about the laundromat at 18th and Williams, and the name of the Presidential scandal before 1930 that sent a few highly placed individuals to jail.
Alright, two new ones: who ate the first holiday dinner at a place other than the Earth?
What was the original name of what became Frontier Sound on Tenth Street?
Well, that’ll do it for this week. It’s supper time. We’re having turkey and noodles. Yep, still workin’ on leftovers.
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See you next week.